


Someone like you

by keepcalmanddonotblink



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Cas helps them, Dean gets it too, Dean is in denial, M/M, Sam got the flu, a lot of characters get a mention, a lot of insights on Dean's past, cas is taking care of dean, the AU tag is here for a reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 18:08:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5426684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keepcalmanddonotblink/pseuds/keepcalmanddonotblink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Dean is in so much denial over having the flu, in how much denial must he be over his feelings for Cas?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone like you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ViviTargaryen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViviTargaryen/gifts).



> Thanks to my love [MashiarasDream](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/pseuds/MashiarasDream) for the wonderful input and the perfect betaing (as always). 
> 
> I wrote this after I got a slighlty different prompt from the lovely [ViviTargaryen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ViviTargaryen/pseuds/ViviTargaryen). I heard she still likes it though.

Dean doesn't get sick, _period_. This is obviously Sam's job. He is the one that got the fever, that got the flu. And Dean takes care of him, like the good brother he is.  
On the first day, he has a slight headache, but he thinks it might be the weather or last night’s whiskey.   
On the second day, the headache gets worse and on the top of it he feels dizzy and his muscles are aching. He tells himself that maybe he is getting old.   
On the third day, he thinks he is near death, he is shivering and everything feels exhausting, sweat is running down his back and he thinks that maybe someone cursed him. Until Sam tells him that he looks like he’s got the flu, too, and he probably should take his temperature.   
Which turns out to be pretty high. Apparently, he is sick, too. Though Dean would not rule out a curse, either. 

But Sam is not back to normal yet, not that he could help him anyway, so Dean still tries to manage everything. He is not _that_ ill. A flu isn't taking down Dean Winchester, a flu can't be that bad. He is _fine_.   
Right until he isn't and almost passes out while preparing soup for Sammy. Not that Dean wants to admit it, but _they_ need help and _they_ need it now. First he drags himself to Sam's room, while thinking about how to phrase this.

_'Hey Cas, can you come by? We need your help asap.'_ \- Too vague.  
 _'Hey, Cas, we’ve got the flu, could you maybe come help us?'_ \- Too casual.  
 _'Hey, Cas, I am sick and I need you.'_ \- Too personal.

“Dean,” Sam says weakly when he sees him: “You should be in bed. You look like a zombie.” “I am fine!”, Dean retorts even when he knows that isn't true at all. He _is_ exhausted and tired and he really wants to sleep for the next year or so.   
“You are not,” a familiar dark voice behind him says and as so often Dean jolts. “Dammit, Cas! You almost gave me a heart attack,” Dean curses. “You called me,” is all that Cas answers as if this did explain everything. Which it doesn't. When exactly did Dean call him? He didn't _actually_ call him. Not yet anyway. Or did he? His mind seems not to work like Dean wants it to right now. So he probably did.  
“Still, this isn't why I gave you the keys to the house,” Dean says weakly, because he is glad that Cas is here. He really is. He is just not good at showing it.   
“Dean..,” Cas steps into his personal space and Dean is too dizzy to react in time when Cas lays a hand on his forehead: “You are hot.” “I know,” Dean says before he can stop himself. Something is indeed wrong with him. Very, very wrong. Cas rolls his eyes and lets go. Dean immediately misses the touch. 

“Don't mind me,” Sam interferers with a cough. Did Dean actually forget that he was still in his brother’s room because of those damn blue eyes? Another thing he certainly will deny until his dying day. That list seems to get longer and longer every minute and maybe it was not a good idea to call Cas (which he is still not sure he _did_ ). He could have called Bobby instead. Or Ellen. Hell, even Garth would have been a better idea. Why didn't he think about them first?   
Why can't he think straight? Ah, right. Maybe because there is this thing about him not really being straight. Dean shakes his head to get rid of all those thoughts he normally has stored away very far down in his subconscious. But of course, the sudden movement is making the world spin. Not a good idea. Not at all. 

“Dean... You go to bed. Now!”, Cas says from right next to Sam's bed. When did he go over there? And this is not how he envisioned these words spoken to him anyway. How disappointing.  
“What is disappointing?”, Cas asks and tilts his head. Fuck, did he said that aloud? Maybe he should just shoot himself, then it would at least be over. “Being sick,” is the first thing that Dean can come up with. It is certainly better than _'That you are saying that you want me in bed but not that way.'_ Cas just raises his eyebrow, but doesn't comment on it any further. 

“Are you okay for a while?”, Cas asks Sam and his brother nods: “Yeah, I am okay. I can deal with the flu. Not so sure about my brother.”  
Another shiver runs through Dean's body, his eyes hurt and they feel heavy. Dean is too weak to even come up with a retort right now. Bed suddenly sounds like the best idea anyone has ever had.   
In a second, Cas is there, right next to him, taking his hand and dragging him along the way to his room. Dean's feet just follow, mindlessly, his only wish to close his eyes and to pass out. And this is exactly what he does the moment he is lying on his bed.

***

When Dean opens his eyes again he does not feel better. His whole body aches and his limbs feel heavy. He doesn't want to move at all but nature calls so he gets up slowly. His world is spinning before he even manages that completely. A deep sigh escapes him and he curses silently. This is why he never gets ill. It _sucks_.   
Only now his gaze falls on his pyjamas and his mind freezes. He passed out right away, didn't he? So someone had changed his clothes and it surely wasn't Sammy. So it must have been Cas.  
Cas has seen him half naked. Somehow this thought freaks him out, even though it is not the first time that Cas has seen him in his underwear. Hell, they’d had sleepovers before. But somehow this is _different_.  
Dean was vulnerable and Cas took off his clothes and put new clothes on him. Maybe he even cleaned his skin before that, all gentle and careful and tender. The picture that appears inside Dean's head does things to him and it is all wrong. This is all wrong. He shouldn't feel this way about Cas. He just shouldn't.

Dean shouldn't think about all the things he would do with Cas if the other man let him, shouldn't think about where he would touch him and all the little moans he would draw out of Cas. And still he does, even when he doesn't know if Cas is into that kind of stuff in the first place. Cas never had a girlfriend. Or boyfriend.   
When Dean thinks the only time he ever saw Cas actually kiss someone was all these years ago when they still played this stupid Spin-the-bottle game, way back in college. And of course Dean remembers it way too vividly.

It was Charlie's idea, because she found it funny (and to this day Dean is 100% sure she was hoping to get to kiss Gilda). And when Meg had got to kiss Cas she totally went for it and Dean was pretty sure that she even slipped in her tongue because of the smug grin on her face. Dean had held back the urge to kick her and told himself that it was just a game. The bottle spun by Cas got slower and for a heartbeat Dean thought it would stop at him. Inside he was screaming at the bottle, not sure if he wanted it to stop right away or go further. In the end, it pointed at Hannah. Dean was glad that this kiss turned out practical and had almost something clinical to it. Still, Cas dropped out after this round and Dean was not sure if he was sad or relieved.   
He had already had to kiss Jo, which was gross and they both made puking sounds after it, because honestly it felt like kissing his sister. Before that Gabriel had to kiss him and the guy sat there with his lollipop still in his mouth, grinning widely and happily, popping the lollipop out and almost knocking Dean over when he jumped at him to kiss him. The death glares Balthazar sent him after that were outright frightening. And of course there was Ash, gentle and careful, kissing him like he had never been kissed, cupping his chin, holding him close. Dean still can remember his hot face when he heard the cheers from the others in the room. Like the grumpy man he was, he dropped out of the game after that, too, while he tried to pretend to not think about how freaking awesome kissing Ash was. How freaking awesome kissing a _guy_ was. There might have been a few occasions after that where Dean had kissed Ash. Just a few. Definitely not many. Not many at all. 

Behind the roadhouse late at night, when they both tasted like beer and whiskey.  
In Ash's room at the roadhouse, when everyone had gone home and the night slowly grew into day.   
Back in the Impala far away from the city, where the lights were the brightest.  
It might even had gotten somewhat serious between them.  
Right until the moment when Dean saw Cas after one night at Ash’s and wished that he could have this with him. Even Dean knew that this was not fair to Ash. So he ended it and Dean went back to fool around with girls. Girls were safe. No hiding, no thinking about someone else, no questions about being straight or not. 

There was Cassie, her name a constant reminder of someone else.   
And there was Lisa, who asked him out and he actually dated her for a few months because he honestly liked her. She was easy to talk to, she understood him, she liked the same movies (Indiana Jones got watched on repeat). Still, his heart was not totally into it. His heart always belonged to someone else. 

Unlike him, Cas has never shown any interest in anyone particular. To be honest, Dean is kind of glad about it. It was bad enough seeing him with Meg. Maybe Cas is really not interested in kissing. Not that Dean minds. He would take Cas the way he is.   
_'Stop it,'_ Dean tells himself. This must be the fever clouding his mind. At least that is what he is telling himself, even when he doesn't believe it for one second. He knows that he can't keep these thoughts hidden right now. He just has to get over this damn flu and everything will be back to normal. Dean can go back to pretending that he never ever thinks about Cas _that_ way.

Dean thinks he is ready to get up and slowly takes one step after the other to drag himself to the bathroom. It is a good distraction. Concentrating on the steps he takes, on the floor in front of him. On the feeling under his feet, how his heart is racing like he just ran a marathon and his skin is covered with sweat within a minute. He manages to get to the bathroom. It is on his way back to his bed that Cas almost runs into him. 

“You are here!”, Cas sounds relieved and immediately his hand is on Dean's shoulder and it is irritating and at the same time it is grounding him. “Where else should I be?”, Dean retorts a little too fast. “You should stay in bed, Dean,” Cas says firmly and raises one of his eyebrows. Dean can't handle this right now, can't handle the closeness or Cas presence. He can't have him here, because if this continues he might do something really stupid. “I am okay,” Dean deflects and Cas shakes his head: “You are not.” Cas lets out a deep sigh before he adds: “Look, Dean, I know you hate this, you hate depending on someone else, but please, for once let me take care of you. And Sam.” 

And fuck, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head. Cas knows him too well, knows how much he tried to fill the empty space for Sammy that John left when he died in the fire all those years ago. Mary always told him, that this was not his responsibility but deep down Dean had always known that it was his duty. Dean had to be there for Sam, had to take care of his family, had to do what his father would have done. It hits too close to home for Dean. Cas is way too close. So Dean does what he always does when someone gets too close. When Cas gets too close. He pushes him away.

“If helping means undressing me when I am out, than I don't need your help,” Dean says while he takes a step away. Cas sighs. “Dean Winchester, you act like a child,” he says in his stern voice: “First of all, you changed your clothes _yourself_ and I only helped you. Second, stop being stupid, go to bed and rest. I will bring you tea and soup to eat. Third, I am worried about you, so for the love of God, don't make it so hard on me.”

Dean stares at Cas. So many words and his jumbled brain just can't follow all of them. How does he not remember putting on his PJs? Cas won't leave even after Dean is rude to him? Cas is still willing to take care of him?   
Also, Cas’ stern voice does things to him he doesn't want to think about too much. Actually, he is suddenly very tired again and he feels every inch of his body aching. He _is_ stupid after all. This is nothing new to him. Stupid and stubborn.   
Dean can't bring himself to apologize, not yet. Instead he nods defeated. But Cas smiles over that and it fills Dean's heart with a joy that Dean would normally bury deep inside, while telling himself that it means nothing. Right now he can't find the strength to do that. Right now he knows that he wouldn't be able to hide his feelings for Cas if there was even any miniscule sign that Cas might feel the same. Dean knows he can't risk this. He has to keep it in.  
Cas turns around and leads the way back to Dean's room and without any more words Dean follows him while he silently prays that he will survive this freaking flu without any more revelations. 

***

When Dean wakes again he still feels sick. Shouldn't that get better with sleep? But everything still hurts and he is not sure if he is still tired or tired because he slept so much. For a while, he just lies there and lets the world be, he can hardly keep his eyes open because they hurt and if this is what it feels like to be really sick he’s never again taking the risk to help Sammy when he is ill.   
“Stupid Sam,” he says, because cursing his brother is easier than to deal with how weak he feels. “Your brother is not the enemy, Dean,” the voice is soft and grounding and Dean opens his eyes and looks right at Cas standing next to him with a glass of water in his hand. Dean wants to reach out and touch Cas. He is drowning in too many thoughts, in too much helplessness. He wants to be near Cas, wants him to give him something to hold on. But of course he doesn't act on it, like he never does, like he never would, because he is too afraid. Losing what they have. Having to choose. Admitting that he lo... has feelings for Cas. Instead Dean says: “He gave me his evil bacteria and therefore he is evil.”  
“Actually, it is a virus,” Cas corrects him immediately and sits down and gives Dean the glass. Dean huffs as he takes it: “Whatever. Still evil.” 

This makes Cas smile and it is one of those secret small smiles, one of those Dean treasures, one of those that made him realize that there might be more. There might be more than just friendship-feelings for Cas. One of those made him run away, because every time Dean sees them, his heart aches. He has to stop this. He has to stop this now. Why is it so hard to hide all those things like he usually does? It can't be just because he is sick. No one ever gets sick and faces their feelings. Maybe in bad movies but not in real life. Especially _not_ in Dean's life.   
Dean drinks some of his water if only to get his mind off of this topic. He has to think about something. Anything. Just not _this_.

“You act like this is the end of the world,” Cas states. “Well, maybe it is,” Dean answers as he puts the glass down on his night stand: “At least it _feels_ like it.” Cas laughs at this and a warm tingly feeling rushes through Dean's body. “You are overreacting, Dean,” Cas says with a warm smile. “Oh, shut up,” Dean answers eloquently and turns his head towards the ceiling. Better to stare at that than at Cas. And much safer. He knows Cas is right, he _is_ overreacting, but isn't that what he always does when he feels out of the water? Overcompensating, lying, hiding, over-thinking. 

As always, Cas listens and doesn't say another word. They fall silent. Cas sitting beside him, doing whatever he does and Dean lying here in his godforsaken bed, too exhausted to do anything else but to listen to Cas' breathing. The silence between them is comfortable, Cas being there calms him down. He wants to listen to the small everyday noises he makes for the rest of his life. No, Dean is _not_ going down this path. He has to do something and he has to do it fast.

“Cas, why have you never shown any interest in anyone?” The words are out before his own brain can catch up with them. _'Brilliant idea, Winchester!'_ , he screams inside at himself. As if this was helpful. It isn't that he was wondering about it ever since he first thought about it. It must be the fever. Or the flu. Or something like that.   
“You want to talk about that now?”, there is surprise and also some apprehension in Cas’ words and Dean wants to hug him to make the apprehension go away. But he can't and so he plays down his question: “We don't have to. I was just curious.” “No, it is okay,” Cas answers but the apprehension is still there. It makes Dean look at him again: “Okay? I am listening.”

Cas seems to collect himself before he answers: “It’s not that I have no interest in anyone. But I consider myself demi. Well, when it comes to romantic anyway. When it comes to sexual attraction, I think I fall onto the grey-scale.” Dean raises his eyebrows. He hasn't understood a word: “English, Cas? Please?” Cas huffs: “Sometimes I forget that not everyone is on tumblr.” “Tumbler? Like whiskey tumbler? Cas, you are not making any sense and I am almost certain it is not the fever,” Dean asks, feeling completely lost. Cas takes a deep breath before he tries again: “Dean, it is just that there is more to the world than being straight or being gay.” 

Finally, Dean feels like he is gaining some ground: “Yeah, I know. There is bi, too. At least people say they are bi. Though I’m guessing that’s more of a phase. I mean at some point, everyone has to decide, right? You're together with one person and then that's that." “No Dean," Cas answers exasperatedly, "your sexuality has nothing to do with the gender of your current partner." “No?”, Dean asks baffled, because if that is not what it means, what else does it mean? “No! I mean, you can be bi and be in a relation with a woman and you'd still be bi. And if you are in a relation with a man, you'd also still be bi. You don't have to choose, _Dean_. I don’t." “Oh...,” Dean says. He had always felt that he would have to choose and his whole life, he had chosen the easy way. “So someone is bi no matter who they choose to love?”, Dean asks curiously and Cas nods: “Yes. Of course. Your sexuality doesn't vanish just because you have a partner.” Dean thinks about that for a moment before he finally says: “I wish someone would have told me that years ago.” They fall silent again after that.

Right until Cas breaks the silence: “Dean... may I ask you something?” Dean nods. It seems to be only fair. But nothing could have him prepared for what Cas says: “Do these thoughts.. do they have something to do with Ash?” “What?”, Dean says because either his ears have some problem now, too, or Cas just asked him about Ash. “I am sorry... I... I shouldn't have brought that up,” Cas deflects: “Forget about it.” “No. No way,” Dean answers as he sits up, because he suddenly needs to be on eye-level with Cas. . “Careful,” Cas says as if he notices that Dean is getting a little dizzy. It seems he sat up too fast. 

“I am okay....”, Dean says even when he is not: “Cas, what do you know about Ash?” His voice sounds harsher than he wants, but his heart is racing and he is almost sure it has nothing to do with the illness. Cas sighs: “I have eyes, you know, Dean. You think you are good at hiding, but I have known you for almost all of my life. I noticed things and I wasn't the only one. Ellen saw you. And... we all assumed you didn’t feel comfortable talking about it but I always figured you would tell me... someday.” Somehow Cas’ voice sounds sad and Dean wonders why.   
Maybe he thinks that Dean hasn't told him because Dean doesn't trust him? But Dean trusts him, more than anyone else that isn't his brother. He just couldn't tell Cas, because...

“I never knew you all knew,” Dean says instead, going for the easy way out. Again. “I feel bad bringing this up,” Cas answers and Dean shakes his head: “It is okay. I just...” Dean takes a deep breath, now it doesn't matter anymore anyway: ”So... you... you are okay with that? With me kissing women... _and_ men?” Cas huffs: “Dean, I just told you I am demi and grey. Do you really think I would judge you for being bi?” “Well, in my defence, I still don't know what demi and grey means in the first place,” Dean answers, lightening the tone because it feels like a load is off his mind. He can't say exactly why and what has changed but somehow, Cas’ words have alleviated something that was dragging him down for the longest time. “I will explain it, I promise. But you look like you need some rest and I don't want to be the one responsible for you not recovering. For now, just know that it doesn't matter to me what your sexuality is. All that matters is _you_ ,” Cas answers with a smile. Somehow this sounds like a heavy confession, but Dean isn't sure if he isn't reading too much into this nor if he is ready for it. Maybe he wants this so much, that he hears more in it than there is.

And Cas is right. All the talking has worn him out and he feels like sleeping again. He can wait for more talk, especially if he is going to learn more about Cas. So he lies back again and closes his eyes but before he lets himself drift away he asks: “After I wake up you will tell me?” “I will. Sleep now, Dean,” he hears Cas say and Dean knows that he will keep his word. Cas always keeps his word.

***

When he wakes up this time he feels slightly better. Not as near death as before but still not well. At least he thinks he might survive this flu after all. Slowly, he sits up, because he feels like he was lying here forever and he at least wants to move a little bit. The water glass on his night stand has been refilled and he drinks the whole thing in one big gulp. He didn't even realized how thirsty he had been. “You are awake,” Cas states as he walks into his room and Dean smiles: “I am back with the living, yeah.” “You seem to feel better. That is good,” Cas says as he sits down on the chair. “Better doesn't mean that it is good at all,” Dean responds, because talking about this is easy, problem free. He can still remember what they had been talking about before and Dean is not sure if he is ready for whatever is waiting for him. He has known Cas for so long now and he is still a riddle to him, There are so many layers wrapped around Cas and Dean is sure if he'd asked, Cas would strip down each and every one of them. And Dean should _not_ think about stripping Cas when the man in question sits right next to him. No, Dean shouldn't be thinking about _this_ at all. 

“It takes time, Dean. Sam feels almost fit again. Or at least he says so. Maybe he just doesn't want me to bitch him out for not resting but studying for his exams,” Cas says and Dean snorts: “Of course Sammy is studying as soon as he can sit upright again. But that means I just have to rest a few more days and then I should be alright, too.” “I will make sure of that. You should maybe take a bath later today and drink some tea. I read that this might help,” Cas says thoughtfully and Dean shoots him a look: “You did research?” “Of course I did!”, Cas answers as if this was the most offensive thing ever: “You know I take such things very seriously.” Dean grins: “You take everything you do very seriously, Cas.” For some reasons he almost adds _'This is part of why I like you.”_ but he doesn't. He might be ill, but he is not out of his mind. “Yes, that is me,” Cas states dryly: “And since we are already talking about me – again, as I want to point out. I promised you to explain demi and grey and I intend to keep my promises.” “I remember that you do,” Dean says while he tries not to sound too curious: “So. I am listening.”

Cas takes a deep breath as if he needs to ground himself. “First, I told you that I consider myself as demi romantic. Demi means that I don’t fall in love on first sight. Ever. I can like someone, but I don’t have feelings for them. No, I should word that differently. I can have romantic feelings for someone but I very rarely do. It seems that I develop such feelings only if I know someone very well and for a very long and this is what demi means. I have to know a person before I can fall for them,” Cas says, carefully picking his words: “Does that make sense to you?” “Yeah, it does,” Dean confirms while he wants to step on his heart that is aching over this confession. Because Cas only can fall for someone when he knows them for a long time and he knows almost no one else for as long a time as he knows Dean, but he’s never shown a sign of developing feelings for him. So Dean had his shot and blew it. Worse than that, he didn’t blow it with a rude remark or a drunk joke, like he sometimes does with girls. Because apart from Sam, nobody knows him better than Cas. So Dean blew it by being himself. He’s just not a person that Cas can fall for. Dean feels like curling up and crying but because apparently he likes hurting himself and it’s not bad enough that he knows that he’s got no chance, he has to keep asking: “So, what you’re saying is that you’ve never shown interest in anyone because you never had this with anyone? I mean, this feeling of more than friendship?” 

Cas lets out a deep sigh and he looks at Dean as if he is not sure that he wants to talk about it. Dean gets it: “You don't have to tell me, you know.” “You are repeating yourself, Dean. And yes, I know,” Cas says but there is warmth in his voice: “Actually there is someone... but well... I’d rather want to talk to you about this when you are well and not feverish.” “Oh... okay,” Dean answers, swallowing down the lump in his throat. Cas has feelings for someone, love-like feelings. For someone he knows very well. There it goes the last piece of hope he ever had. Dean wonders who it might be. They have a few friends that Cas is close with. 

But before he can dwell too much on this new information Cas starts again: “Anyway, no matter what my romantic feelings are, when it comes to sexuality... well, I said I fall on the grey-scale. That means, I’m not sexually attracted to people usually.”  
“Uhh, does that mean you don’t find them attractive or that you don’t want to do the nasty with them?” Dean asks because he can't help himself, he still wants to know everything about Cas and he has no idea why they never talked about this before. All these years they have known each other and only now he learns such profound information about Cas. But on the other hand, Dean himself wasn't that honest about his sexuality, either, and perhaps this is the reason they have avoided the topic. Cas huffs: “I find some people aesthetically pleasing and I do feel arousal sometimes if you really need to know. But as I said, it is not very often and I don't really care about it. I don't think sex is that important.”

While Dean is still not on top of his game, he still notices the Cas’ nervousness , how his fingers fidget restlessly, how he’s looking anywhere but at Dean. What if they just never talked about this because Cas thinks that Dean won't understand him? That he’ll judge him? Because Cas must know how often Dean spends a night with someone, how often he has sex. There is just no way he doesn't know about that. So maybe it is time to come clean. To show Cas that he doesn't care about how often he gets to sleep with someone. Or not sleep with someone. At least theoretically. 

“Hey, Cas? It’s cool that you stand by who you are. And that you’ve told me. You’re pretty awesome,” Dean says as he reaches for Cas’ hand and still his fidgeting. Cas looks up at Dean. Their eyes meet and as usual Dean is drawn right into them. He could lose himself in those eyes, could do nothing else for the rest of his life but to look at them. “So, you are okay with this?”, Cas asks after what seems a lifetime and Dean smiles: “You’re my best friend, Cas. Of course I am.” He lets go of Cas’ hand again because he’s held it way too long already. By now, he has accepted the fact that he has little control over this, or at least he pretends to not care. There will always be time to freak out later, Dean is sure of it. 

“You don't think that I am broken?”, Cas asks, and Dean raises his eyebrows and tries not to sound as angry as he is when he asks: “Who says that?” Cas head drops as he sighs: “Michael.” Dean huffs: “Why am I even asking? Why are you still listening to what that asshat says, huh? We’ve both known that he’s a prick for years now.” This earns him a small smile from Cas and Dean's heart probably skips a beat. So he says it one more time because he thinks Cas needs to hear this: “Look, you are awesome no matter who or what you like. I honestly don't care. And if some douche-bag like Michael says otherwise he is stupid. Not that I haven’t been telling you this for the last 10 years or so.” “Thank you, Dean,” Cas says and now he’s really smiling and it warms Dean's heart. They are so close, so close and still so far away. 

This is when Cas' cellphone rings and Cas sighs deeply: “I have to take this one. Gabriel is freaking out about whether or not he should ask Balthazar to marry him. Not that Gabriel listens to whatever advice I’m giving him. But apparently annoying keeps him from having a break-down.”  
“Tell him he still owes me an apple pie,” Dean comments as Cas gets up and Cas gives him a thumbs up as he answers the call: “Novak.” 

Dean looks after him as he walks out of the room. There’s an empty ache in his chest. He’s happy that Cas trusted him with all of this and Dean’s going to honour their friendship and do everything he can to let Cas know he accepts him exactly as he is. At the same time, knowing that Cas has feelings for someone, for someone that’s not Dean, washes hurt over him like a wave that is threatening to drown him. He sinks back on his bed and closes his eyes. Maybe he can sleep again. Maybe after some sleep everything will be better.

***

Waking up did _not_ make everything better. Cas ran a bath for him and convinced him to take it. So now he is here, soaking in warm comfortable water but also with too much time on his hands and too many thoughts running through his head. And for some stupid reason all he can think about is who that mysterious someone is, that Cas has feelings for. And by now he has ruled almost everyone out. There is only one person left and Dean doesn't like it at all.

Dean is almost sure that Cas is in love with Meg. Everything just adds up to this. They’ve known each other for almost as long as he and Dean. They’ve even kissed once and maybe Dean didn't want to see it, but maybe Cas realized back then that he has feelings for her. The longer Dean thinks about it, the more sense it makes. Cas talks with Meg a lot and if Dean remembers correctly, they even went to prom together. (While Dean went with Ronda.) 

But why had Cas never told him? This is nothing he has to hide from him. But then on the other hand, Cas knows what Dean thinks about Meg. How much he dislikes her and her way of twisting things so they match the things she wants. Perhaps Cas didn't want to hear from Dean that he doesn't support him. Dean is not sure he could have supported him, either. Because he knows for a fact that Meg would want to have Cas and it makes him sick just to think about the two of them together. He doesn’t want Cas to choose her over Dean. 

And isn't this pathetic? He, who never said a thing, who always hid behind others, never told Cas, never said anything, never really admitted his feelings to anyone, he is now here and hates himself for never saying anything. Is here and hates Meg for existing. But mostly he hates himself. He never said anything, not even after he realized the extent of his feelings, because he was afraid. Because he wanted to keep his illusion of “if” and “when” and that was easier than facing the truth. Now, there is nothing left to hope any more. There is nothing he can tell himself anymore. No more 'ifs' and 'when'. Cas doesn't feel the same way. Cas doesn't love him. 

Only there might have been. Maybe, if Dean had just been man enough to admit his feelings, not pressure Cas but tell him, maybe feelings could have grown. Maybe Cas wouldn’t have been afraid to talk to Dean about his sexuality. Maybe he would have seen Dean in a different light. Maybe he wouldn’t be in love with Meg then.   
But now, it is over and done and there is no one to blame but himself. 

There is a knock on the door but Dean hardly hears it. He was so stupid. So damn stupid. 

_“Dean... is everything alright?”_  
He hears the voice as if from far away but he can't bring himself to answer. Dean can hear the door opening that he had kept unlooked in case he faints, he can hear steps walking up to him but he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Dean, you are crying,” Cas voice sounds surprised and concerned: “What happened?” Dean just shakes his head. He can't find it in him to reply or to even look at Cas, because if he does he will do something stupid, something really stupid and he can't lose him. Not any more than he already has. 

“Can you get out of the tub, Dean?” Dean nods and does that. Dean doesn't care that he is standing there naked, because it’s nothing Cas hasn’t seen before, Cas knows almost everything about him and still doesn't know the most important thing.

_I love you._   
_I love you._   
_I love you._

So often unspoken. So often repeated in Dean's head. 

Cas helps him out of the bath, dries him and wraps him in a bathrobe while he keeps giving Dean little instructions. Dean only half registers what he is doing. He just follows Cas' lead and it is nice to stop thinking and to do what Cas says . It is so much easier to follow than to feel.  
Cas somehow gets him into his bed again and he strokes Dean's hair, whispering soft words that are way too gentle and that Dean doesn’t deserve. 

_“It will be okay.”_   
_“I am here.”_   
_“You are safe.”_

Somehow they put him at ease and soon Dean closes his eyes and he almost falls back asleep. But before he can let go he needs to know one thing: “Will you stay?” Cas’ hand stops for a second before he continues to stroke Dean's hair tenderly. “I will, Dean. I will stay as long as you want me to.” 

Dean drifts into a dreamless sleep.

***

He opens his eyes after a long sleep and somehow feels better. His eyes fall on Cas, his head cradled in his folded arms, sleeping. Dean smiles fondly. Cas stayed, just like he said he would. Cas is here, no matter what. He always was. And who cares who he loves, as long Dean can have this, he’s good. If this is all he can have, he will take it and try to be content. Carefully, Dean reaches out and touches Cas hair, strokes through it softly the same way Cas did for him last night. 

_I love you._

Dean takes his hand away again and sighs. He’ll have to work on the content part.

“You really like him, huh?” Dean almost jumps out of his bed. “You can't sneak up on people like this, Sammy!”, Dean whispers hoarsely but Sam just grins widely as he takes a few steps into the room: “I wasn't really quiet. I am impressed Cas is still sleeping.” “Well, once he is out, there could be an explosion right next to him and he wouldn't wake up,” Dean explains with a soft smile because he remembers all the times he tried to wake Cas up for class when he hadn't heard his alarm and the only thing that always helped was cold water. Cas had cursed him for that, of course, but at least he had never arrived too late for his classes. Without Dean, he'd probably still work on showing up often enough to actually graduate. 

“If you say so,” Sam says and sits down on the other side of Dean's bed where Cas is not sleeping. “I do. So you are up and well again?”, Dean asks, trying to change the subject. “I still feel a little exhausted but I am almost as good as new. Thanks to Cas here. He really looked after us, didn't he?”, Sam says not quite changing the subject as much as Dean wanted to. “Yeah... yeah he did,” is all that Dean can say while he looks anywhere but at Sam or Cas. “Cas is great, wouldn't you agree?”, Sam keeps pushing, as if he is trying to test the water. Dean looks at Cas, still sleeping obliviously and Dean nods and when he answers it sounds way too tender: “Yes. He is great.” Sam takes a deep breath before he continues: “Don't get me wrong, but when are you going to tell him?” Dean jolts: “What?” “You know what I mean,” Sam continues and Dean is getting somewhat angry now: “No, I don't _know_ what you mean.” Sam sighs and holds his hands up: “Fine. Sorry I ever asked. It is clearly not my problem if you are still not man enough to admit that you have feelings for Cas. Because even a blind person can see that. And I am your brother and I am not stupid.” Sam stands up before Dean can answer to that and he is out of the room before Dean even knows what he should have said. 

So Sam knows? And he never said anything? Is Dean that much of an open book to everybody? _'Son of a bitch,_ ' Dean curses under his breath. Maybe it is time to talk to Cas after all. But for now all that Dean wants is to look at Cas sleeping and enjoy how peaceful he looks.   
Dean smiles softly as he reaches out again and gently ruffles Cas’ hair. He gathers all his courage as he whispers: “I will stay with you, too. Forever if you want me to.” 

***

It seems that Dean fell asleep again, because the next time Dean opens his eyes Cas is not there anymore. For a second, Dean feels betrayed but then he swallows it down. Cas has done enough. He doesn't need to stick around and he has a life of his own. It’s not his duty to care for Dean all the time. Even if he has said he'd be there.

Dean tries not to interpret too much into it, so he takes his own temperature and is relieved when he finds out that the fever is finally gone. This means he is over the worst and from here on it will get better. At least where it concerns his health. Dean is not so sure that this applies to the rest of his life situation. 

“Feeling better?”, Cas voice is warm and Dean looks up and smiles brightly. Cas walks over to the chair with a mug in his hand, so he probably just made himself some hot chocolate. Cas is still here, he didn't leave. Dean feels stupid for thinking for even one second that he would leave without a word. “Yeah, the fever is gone,” Dean answers and Cas looks into his mug before he looks Dean directly into his eyes: “You know that this wasn't what I was asking about. You were pretty upset before you fell asleep.” A shiver goes through Dean's body, because Cas stare is so intense, almost too much to bear. But then Cas smiles and adds: “Though I am glad that you are physically well again.” 

Dean bites his lip, because it is either now or never. It is better to say it out loud than to wonder for the rest of his life. Even if it might break his heart.   
So he asks what he has to ask: “I am better, Cas. Yesterday... was it even yesterday?.. whatever... I just... why did you never tell me that you were in love with Meg?” The surprise in Cas face is genuine. So he didn't think that Dean would figure it out.   
“Meg?”, is all that Cas asks and Dean huffs: “Yeah, Meg. Who else could it be? You even took her to prom!” “Dean...,” Cas tilts his head, a small gesture that is so Cas that Dean wants to reach out and touch him. Somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. Before he can actually act on it, Cas continues: “You really think I am in love with Meg?” Dean has to look away from Cas, because the words hurt him more than he thought they would: “Yeah, Meg.” “Dean, look at me.” It’s almost against his will that Dean actually looks up. But he’s never been very good at refusing Cas anything. Not even when Cas takes Dean’s hand. He does that, every so often, has as long as Dean can remember, and Dean craves the connection, broken heart or not. “I like Meg, yes,” Cas admits and Dean wants to withdraw his hand immediately but Cas doesn't let him. “But I don't love her,” Cas continues and Dean's head spins. “But.. who then...?,” Dean asks because he has thought about this so much, there is no one else. Cas’ smile is half fond and half pained: “Dean, you are one of the smartest persons I know but sometimes you are such an idiot.” Dean's head is spinning and he thinks that he knows that there might be someone else left after all. But he can't believe it. He can't, unless Cas actually says it. And Cas does: “It is you, Dean. It always has been you.” 

Dean feels like the air has been punched out of him and at the same time as if he can breathe freely for the first time in his life. A laugh is forcing its way out of him because he feels overwhelmed and stupid and relieved. “Dammit, Cas... you could have told me,” he finally says after his laughter dies down. Cas, who has followed his outbreak with slight bewilderment, smiles a small smile and shrugs. “I was not sure how you would take it. All of it. I was scared.” “I was scared, too,” Dean admits and he knows that it is true and his heart feels so light as he finally says it, says it out loud: “I love you, Cas.” Dean can hear the audible gasp that Cas makes and he smiles as he looks at the other man and somehow it seems so easy now, to say all the words he has kept hidden: “And I will love you no matter what. It doesn’t matter to me if you are demi or grey or whatever there is. Because it is still you.”  
“Dean... that is probably the most romantic thing I ever heard...,” Cas says and Dean laughs again. “Cas.. can I kiss you?”, because Dean really wants to but he is not sure if Cas wants this. This time it is Cas who laughs: “Yes, Dean. You can kiss me.” 

Dean only hesitates for one more second before he stretches his hand out to cup Cas' check. He smiles as he leans forward, slowly and taking his time, stopping a few inches from Cas lips. He can feel his own heart pounding, can feel Cas’ breathing, sees Cas’ warm gaze and waits. It is Cas’ decision to close the last bit of space between them and when Cas does after what seems like an entirety and also just a second it is perfect. It is more than Dean ever thought it could be. All the unsaid _I love yous_ melt together into this moment and Dean thinks that it is a pity that it took them so long. 

When they finally part they rest their foreheads together. Dean whispers: “I am glad I called you.” Cas huffs: “Dean, it was Sam who called me.” “Oh...”, Dean says and then he chuckles: “Well, that explains a lot. In that case, I am glad Sam did.”   
Then Dean leans forward to kiss Cas again.


End file.
